The Legion of Super-Duper Delegates

Our story begins after the recent Democratic primaries in North Carolina and Indiana. The Super-Duper Delegates have asked Senator Clinton to come to their clubhouse for a meeting...

Saturn Girl: Thank you for coming, Senator Clinton. We are all eager to speak to you about The results of the recent elections in North Carolina and Indiana...

Senator Hillary Clinton: I'll bet you are! My resounding victories in both states should clearly show the American public that I am the obvious candidate for President of the United States.

Cosmic Boy: Um, listen Senator Clinton - you didn't win both states. You actually lost by a wide margin in North Carolina and barely squeaked by in Indiana...

Lightening Lad: But what about Senator Obama's victory in North Carolina?

Senator Hillary Clinton: That doesn't count! Now, let's get down to business. How are we going to break the bad news to Senator Obama that he is not going to be the Democratic candidate? I say we leave a nasty message on his answering machine. Something short and sweet and to the point...

Light Lass: What?!?? I don't think that you understand what's going on, Senator Clinton...

Senator Hillary Clinton: Oh, I understand fine, little lady. I think that it's you that doesn't understand what's going on. My poll numbers are through the roof! I am so close to winning that I can almost taste it!

Supergirl: Senator Clinton, it is virtually impossible for you to win the nomination...

Senator Hillary Clinton: What are you talking about? I've got the money, the math, and the momentum!

Phantom Girl: But you are out of money! You have had to lend millions of dollars to your campaign out of your own pocket!

Senator Hillary Clinton: That's just an oversight! I am sure to get lots more money once people see how committed I am to a gas tax holiday!

Matter Eater Lad: And it is impossible for you to win with the existing math! You are just too far behind in delegates.

Senator Hillary Clinton: Don't be silly! I am way ahead in delegates.

Ferro Man: No, you are actually way behind in delegates, and any momentum that you had has been quashed by your lukewarm results in Indiana and your significant loss in North Carolina...

Senator Hillary Clinton: Fiddlesticks! That's just not true! And I have a huge lead in the popular vote, and that's all that counts!

Dream Girl: No! Senator Obama has the advantage in the popular vote as well! And according to the rules, the only thing that counts is delegates.

Senator Hillary Clinton: Exactly! That’s why it is so important that we count the votes of Florida and Michigan!

Chameleon Boy: Even the Florida votes won't help you. You are just too far behind.

Braniac 5: And you can't count the votes in Michigan! Senator Obama wasn't even on the ticket!

Senator Hillary Clinton: Sure we can! I won't tell anyone if you won't!

Senator Hillary Clinton: It's only cheating if you get caught! ...And when I am president I will make sure that the whole thing is swept under the rug.

Senator Hillary Clinton: I'll even take care of your parking tickets!

Matter Eater Lad: *munch crunch munch* Mmm... This raygun is delicious!

Cosmic Boy: Ha ha! I can't believe that I'm hearing this! Saturn Girl, she just won't listen to reason! It's like we are talking to a brick wall!

Senator Hillary Clinton: That is why the voters love me! Because I am strong and resiliant like a brick wall! I can protect them from things, like taxes on gasoline during the summer!

Saturn Girl: Listen, Senator Clinton - this discussion is just going around in circles. We have to be realistic about this. This is causing a rift in the party!

Senator Hillary Clinton: Rift in the party? Listen, missy - either you start changing your attitude or I am gonna create a rift in the party like you've never seen!

Saturn Girl: Now wait just a minute! You can't talk to me like that! I'm a super-duper delegate!

Senator Hillary Clinton: And I'm the next President of the United States, and don't you forget it.

Saturn Girl: (Thinking to herself) Great moons of Saturn! What are we going to do? Senator Clinton has gone as loopy as the Snarfgars of Venus!

Senator Hillary Clinton: The voters have spoken! The voters want a President that stands strong for then, a President who is ready on Day One to take charge as Commander-in-Chief and keep their families safe from gas taxes over the summer!

Dream Girl: The voters have indeed spoken, and they said they want this race to be over and done with. They are tired of the games and manipulation.

Senator Hillary Clinton: It doesn't matter what the voters think! It's our job to tell them what to think! IN THIS CASE, WE NEED TO TELL THEM TO THINK ABOUT VOTING FOR ME!

Light Lass: That's crazy! You know that the Jedi Mind Trick only works on weak minded Republicans and Hollywood celebrities!

Senator Hillary Clinton: Ha! You people don't know how difficult it is to answer the phone at three o'clock in the morning!

Dream Girl: That's not true! Boys call me all times of the day or night.

Triplicate Girl: Senator Clinton, there can be no doubt about it. This election is already over.

Senator Hillary Clinton: Shut up, all three of you! This race is not over until the fat lady sings!

Senator Hillary Clinton: Oh, be quiet! It's not over until the lady in the pantsuit says it is!

Triplicate Girl: Senator Clinton, You have to think of the good of the Democratic party...

Senator Hillary Clinton: To hell with the party! I am destined to be the president! I can prove it! I brought a witness!

Dream Girl: Oh, brother! You have got to be kidding...

Cosmic Boy: No! No! No! Not Antennae Boy from the planet Grxyor! He has no control over his power of tuning in radio signals from the future!

Saturn Girl: His forecasts are useless! He tunes in signals from alternate realities that are completely meaningless.

Bouncing Boy: Hey, I remember you! What have you been doing with yourself lately, Antennae Boy?

Antennae Boy: I have a great job working as a pundit for MSNBC!

Antennae Boy: My super powers tell me that Senator Clinton will win the Democratic nomination...

Senator Hillary Clinton: There! You see? Proof positive!

Antennae Boy: And her running mate will be Joe Leibeman!

Senator Joe Leibeman: I am deeply committed to a gas tax holiday!

Senator Hillary Clinton: I want to commend Senator Obama and his supporters on their hard fought campaign. We are, in many ways, on the same journey... Except for one thing...

Braniac 5: I don't get it. Senator Obama has more delegates, the popular vote, lots of money, momentum... What do you have?

Senator Hillary Clinton: You don't understand. You see, I'm "electable".

Phantom Girl: I don't get it. Are the words "electable" and "not electable" some kind of code or something?

Saturn Girl: She is saying that Senator Obama can't win because he is not white, Brainiac 5.

Chameleon Boy: Hey, wait a minute! Lot's of us aren't white!

Braniac 5: Yeah! And we're Democrats! We are supposed to be above that sort of thing...

Superboy: Hey wait a minute... Maybe she has a point... White people are scared of black people. Even I'm scared of black people, and I'm a superhero!

Evolvo Lad: Yeah! White people hate it when black people get "uppity"!

Shrinking Violet: Yeah! And Oprah is way too forward with her white guests, if you ask me. And Barry Manilow refused to appear on "The View" because of Whoopi Goldberg. She's very "uppity"!

Supergirl: Listen to you people! I can't believe what I'm hearing!

Evolvo Lad: How can we spread our message of scholarly elitism if we don't have a white person in office?

Senator Hillary Clinton: Right! Nobody will ever believe that Obama is an elitist like me!

Bouncing Boy: But you already said that HE was an elitist!

Saturn Girl: Matter Eater Lad! Will you please stop eating the Super-Duper Delegate Clubhouse!

Matter Eater Lad: *munch crunch munch* Sorry, Saturn Girl!

Dream Girl: *sigh* Democrats are always chewing the scenery.

Superboy: Hmm... This is serious. How can we win expect to win this election with a candidate that is not white? Black people are never a credible leading character in popular network TV shows!

Evolvo Lad: I agree with Superboy. We must have a white candidate to help us with our plan to destroy democracy and turn America into a communist state!

Saturn Girl: That's crazy, Evolvo Lad! That is not what the Democratic Party is about. The Democratic Party is about moonbeams and rainbows!

Bouncing Boy: Yeah! Moonbats and rainbows! Whatever Saturn Girl says!

Superboy: Listen, Brainiac 5 and Chameleon Boy - maybe you had better wait outside in your separate "not electable" waiting room. We have some important party business to discuss...

Superboy: And don't let me catch you using the special "electable" people only drinking fountain! I have X-Ray eyes, you know!

Braniac 5: Superboy! I'm horrified! I've never seen this side of you!

Supergirl: Ooo, Superboy! you are a super scumbag! I can't believe that I am related to you!

Phantom Girl: Jeepers! I don't want to appear to take sides... I better hide!

ZOWIE! (Cosmic Boy punches Brainiac 5 in the stomach!)

Light Lass: Wow! I used to be an supporter of Senator Obama, but now I don't know what to think...

KERPLOP! (Bouncing Boy bounces on Cosmic Boy's head!)

Senator Hillary Clinton: Hee hee! The fools will fight amongst themselves - which will destroy support for senator Obama! Soon the nomination will be mine!

Saturn Girl: Great Throbbing Thespians of Thangar! The Super-Duper Delegates are turning into children!

Saturn Girl: Superboy! Mon El! Don't make me come over there!

Saturn Girl: Golly! This is just like watching "Meet the Press"!

Saturn Girl: Oh, dear! If this conflict continues, the Earth is doomed!

Superbaby: Me scared of 'Bama! Must have white candidate!

Saturn Girl: Jeepers! It's the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi!

Nancy Pelosi: Alright, I have heard just about enough of this!

Nancy Pelosi: This meeting has gotten totally out of hand. Time to put the hammer down!

Superboy: Whoa! I don't know what came over me! I'm sorry, Speaker Pelosi.

Phantom Girl: Phew! I can reappear now and still be impartial.

Nancy Pelosi: Now listen and listen good! Senator Clinton is in this race until a candidate is chosen! It's as simple as that.

Senator Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Speaker Pelosi! I am so glad that you believe that I can win.

Nancy Pelosi: Don't be ridiculous! Face it, Senator Clinton, you're toast. You have already lost this race. There are reasons for you to stay in the race that are important to both your legacy and the party, but that's all.

Senator Hillary Clinton: But... But... Obama's not "electable"! I'm "electable"!

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, yes... We all know that you and your husband are white, Senator Clinton. Get over it. You will be lucky if you get asked to fill a cabinet post, after your recent behavior.

Nancy Pelosi: And no more outlandish parodies of Senator Clinton! She is not not some silly cartoon character. She is a member of the Democratic Party! It is time for the party to come together!

Nancy Pelosi: And all of you Super-Duper Delegates, no more of this infighting! You must play nicely with the other kids. No more peeing in the pool!

The Legion of Super Delegates: Yay! No more peeing in the pool!

Nancy Pelosi: And don't go swimming for at least 45 minutes after a meal. And wash behind your ears!

The Legion of Super Delegates: Yay! We shall wash behind our ears!

Nancy Pelosi: The party must come together and have a big group hug! Let us toast wieners and marshmallows around the camp fire and sing "Kumbaya"!

Saturn Girl: Yay! I love wieners, and we can make S'mores and tell ghost stories!

Nancy Pelosi: We must be united as a party... For soon we must face the dreaded McCainiacs!