"President Bush just began a seven-day trip through Asia. So far, everywhere he's gone in Asia he's been met by thousands of protesters. President Bush may be the first American to be greeted with the phrase, 'We hate you long time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The (2008 presidential) field's already getting crowded with candidates. Everyone knows about Hillary and McCain, but who else has a shot? On the Republican side, Rudy Giuliani. Hero. 9/11. Time person of the year. Member of the comb over club. But also a member of the New York, divorced, pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-stem cell research, gay-friendly wing of the Republican Party. I'm sorry, did I say wing? I meant room. Did I say room? I meant corner. Did I say corner? I meant table -- for one." –-Jon Stewart

"According to ABC News, John McCain is forming an exploratory committee to run for president. Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton is also forming an exploratory committee just to try and keep track of her husband." --Jay Leno

"On Tuesday night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S." --Amy Poehler

"This was a big week. Democrats won in places they were never even competitive before -- like America." --Bill Maher

"President Bush held a news conference where he vowed to work with the new Democratic majority. Which, if true, can only mean one thing -- the Democrats have a nuclear bomb." --Amy Poehler

"Bush had lunch with the new Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. I believe the main course was Rumsfeld's head on a platter." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him." --Bill Maher

"I understand a political group is now raising money to have John Kerry become the Democratic candidate for president in 2008. Will it happen? I don't know. It depends on how much money the Republicans can raise." --Jay Leno

"Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, 'I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively -- and then I waited three years.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?" --Jay Leno

"What a day for the Democrats. They've won the House of Representatives, they are poised to take the Senate as well, Donald Rumsfeld has resigned, and this just in, Dick Cheney came out as gay." --Jon Stewart

"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." --Jay Leno

"The only Republican now with a mandate is Congressman Mark Foley." --Jay Leno

"There were many reports of problems with the voting machines yesterday, especially with touch-screen voting machines. In fact, in Congressman Mark Foley's district, some of the machines were touched inappropriately." --Conan O'Brien

"Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector." --David Letterman

"You know what really gets me, Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. 'Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!' We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq." --Stephen Colbert

"Reverend Ted Haggard, president of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals, resigned his post this weekend after admitting to a three-year relationship with a gay hooker. Oh, and he also used and purchased crystal meth. Because if you're the head of a gay-hating organization and you're having a gay affair, why not go nuts?" --Jon Stewart

"Over the weekend, Haggard released a statement saying he's a deceiver and a liar. See to me, I think it's way too soon to announce you're going into politics." --Jay Leno "Pastor Ted Haggard ... has compared his gay sex scandal to John Kerry's botching of a joke last week. You think they're the same? To be fair, they both involved a slip of the tongue." --Jay Leno

"This is a good rule for life: Look for whoever is the most against anything and you can almost guarantee they are that something they are against. The guy who devotes his life to fighting gay rights is gay. The guy working to pass the laws against child pornography is sending sex messages to teenage interns." --Jimmy Kimmel

"John Kerry made a joke about Bush being a moron, and now Bush wants morons to think it was a joke was about the troops. Now, John Kerry has apologized. He said he made a botched joke and admitted that he has a joking problem. He has checked into an improv group and revealed that as a child, he was molested by a clown." --Bill Maher

"President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the 'Mission Accomplished' sign three years ago." --Jay Leno

"Senator John Kerry gave his opponents in the struggling Republican Party a much needed distraction when he told a college audience on Monday that if you don't do well in school, you might get stuck in Iraq. Some people are taking that as a slam against our troops. Kerry says it was a botched joke about the president being dumb. It doesn't bode well when you try to make a joke about someone being dumb and you wind up looking even dumber." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Shocking news. I have received a report that 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry botched a joke. I have a tape of the joke here. I should warn our viewers, it's extremely botched [on screen: Kerry saying, 'You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq']. There you have it: John Kerry losing elections he's not even in." --Samantha Bee

"John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, 'What? People are listening to my speeches?' President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize. Can you imagine that -- Bush demanding an apology for someone stumbling over his words?" --Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?" --Stephen Colbert

"I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Halloween is tomorrow. Of course, that's when little kids come to your house looking for candy. Or as Congressman Mark Foley calls it, 'speed dating.'" --Jay Leno

"The Republicans had an ideological agenda, and look where it's gotten us. Right now, Americans are finding the Democrats' utter lack of vision or coherent world view very appealing." --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"These activist judges are at it again. The New Jersey Supreme Court says homosexuals actually have the same civil rights as straight people, which means they can marry. See, this is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats want gays to get married. Republicans know congressmen need to be able to play the field." --Bill Maher

"Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys!" --Amy Poehler

"Have you heard about the Michael J. Fox situation? He's been doing ads in support of candidates who are for stem cell research. And Rush Limbaugh attacked him and said that Michael J. Fox was off his medication when he filmed the ad, so that he'd look shakier. He said, if he's not going to take his prescription drugs, he knows a fat drug addict who will." --Bill Maher

"Interesting admission by President Bush today. He said there are similarities between Iraq and Vietnam. Of course, the big difference is his dad could get him out of Vietnam." –Jay Leno

"The president had a press conference this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, 'Like having no plan ever stopped me before.' He has something even more deadly in store for them -- we're going to bring them democracy." --Bill Maher

"This weekend Ohio Republican Bob Ney plead guilty to Abramoff-related bribery and corruption charges. Congressman Ney's district encompasses -- this is true -- most of Licking County, Ohio. Which early odds have it will also be the nickname of his jail cell. Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-semitism, and homosexual pedophilia." --Jon Stewart

"According to the latest poll about the 2008 election, many voters in Iowa consider Hillary Clinton as their second or even third choice. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I feel the same way.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a report by the World Energy Experts, North Korea is so short of electricity that the whole country switches off at 9 o'clock. The electricity is shut off at 9 o'clock. So it's a country where few people speak English, they have power outages all the time, they're ruled by a funny looking guy with a strange accent. It's like California without the traffic." --Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain is denying rumors flying around Washington that he recently went out drinking with Hillary Clinton. McCain's exact quote was, 'Five years with the Vietcong was enough'." --Conan O'Brien

"With so many politicians being taken down by sex scandals this year, I tip my hat to Wisconsin Secretary of State candidate Sandy Sullivan who has written a book detailing her sexual exploits with multiple members of the Green Bay Packers during the team's heyday in the 1960s. It is so refreshing to see a candidate whose closet has been so thoroughly cleaned out." --Stephen Colbert

"Apparently North Korea set off a nuclear bomb. Now they say the seismic tests were inconclusive. So basically we have no idea whether they did it or not -- or as the Bush administration calls it, 'a slam dunk.'." --Bill Maher

"If 9/11 changed everything, how come baseball players are still allowed to fly airplanes around Manhattan? I'm sure you've heard about this story. A Yankees pitcher flew an airplane into a fifty-story building on the East side. At first no one knew whether it was an accident or a terrorist attack, so Bush had no idea how long to sit there and do nothing." --Bill Maher

"According to Kim Jong-Il's biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness and sexual excess. So if he lived here, he could be in Congress." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today the U.S. will not attack North Korea. Oh sure, but we may liberate them." --Jay Leno

"It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush's approval ratings are dipping into the 30s, while Mark Foley is dipping into the teens." --Jay Leno

"What a crazy week this has been. I don't know who Americans should be more afraid of being attacked by -- terrorists from the Middle East, a dictator from North Korea, or a congressman from South Florida." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says we need more time to determine if what (North Korea) detonated was a nuclear device. Well sure, that makes sense, because Bush doesn't want to rush to judgment when it comes to weapons of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"It's interesting. The president's approval rating is at an all-time low, North Korea's setting off bombs, Iraq is a mess, the Foley scandal keeps getting worst. Even the Democrats might not be able to blow this election." --Jay Leno

"There is a scandal going on and every day it seems to get worse. Now more pages came forward today saying this thing with Foley goes back 11 years. Rush Limbaugh said today, 'You see, another threat Clinton completely ignored.' He also said, 'This would have never happened if Al Gore didn't invent the Internet.'" --Bill Maher

"Let's pretend this plug is 'Iraq' and you're trying to connect it to the 'war on terror,' which is this avocado. You can do it... but here's the problem: The avocado still doesn't turn on. And now your plug is covered in guacamole." --Jon Stewart, demonstrating the connection between Iraq and the war on terror

"Dennis Hastert now says that he did know about the (Mark Foley) e-mails, but was unaware, he says, that they were so sexually explicit. He said, 'My God, I didn't even read the Patriot Act.'" --Bill Maher

"This Mark Foley e-mail thing caused quite a conflict within the two wings of the Republican Party. It seems the financially corrupt are now fighting with the sexually corrupt." --Jay Leno

"We're covering a story about a certain congressman. Let's call him Representative Mark Foley, Republican of Florida. He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself." --Jon Stewart

"The only person who didn't know he was gay? Dennis Hastert. On Rush Limbaugh yesterday, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said, 'We took care of Mr. Foley. We found out about it and asked him to resign.' Yeah, a year later. That's not just slow, that's FEMA slow." --Jay Leno

"Author Bob Woodward has written a third book about President Bush's handling of the war in Iraq. The first two books said that Bush was firmly in command of a well-run team. But this third book says no, there was a lot of confusion and disagreement and bickering. Here's my question: Shouldn't we be able to get our money back on the first two books?" --Jay Leno

"Mark Foley has outed himself. He has officially come out as gay. Today the gays told him, 'Go back. We don't want you on our team.'." --Jay Leno

"The Washington Nationals fired manager Frank Robinson after three last-place finishes in a row. In fact, the only person in Washington with a worst record keeping their job is Donald Rumsfeld." --Jay Leno

"Everyone knows that Congress people are assigned to committees based on their great weakness. Why would Senator Ted Stevens, a man more comfortable in the horse and buggy era, be in charge of regulating the Internet? Which he believes is a series of tubes -- a series of tubes though which other congressmen can reach through and fondle 16-year-olds." --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"You know what's really the most damaging? ABC is reporting that Mark Foley interrupted a vote on the House floor to have online phone sex with a 16-year-old student. Say what you want about Bill Clinton. He could sit at his desk, have sex and work at the same time. He was a multi-tasker." --Jay Leno

"Florida Congressman Mark Foley resigned over the weekend after. ABC News uncovered sexually explicit e-mails and instant messages he sent to a 16-year-old congressional page. Apparently, he had text message phone sex with a boy during a vote on funding for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. No one can say he's soft on terror, I'll tell you that much." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Mark Foley has now checked into rehab for alcoholism. Oh, shut up. Like that's the big problem. Who cares if he's addicted to Jack Daniels? He's addicted to little Jack and little Daniel. That's the problem." --Jay Leno

"On Friday, Republican Congressman Mark Foley of Florida stepped down because, well, he's in big trouble. If you were watching Fox News, you might have missed this story -- they're still rerunning that Clinton video." --Stephen Colbert

"We all know about the big dust-up between President Bush and the Senate leadership over his wanting to change the Geneva Conventions, right? Well, they reached a compromise. That's not just a victory for Bush, it's a victory for the country because basic human rights is something we all need to compromise on." --Stephen Colbert

"You see, his opponents were a group of rebels within the Republican Party -- John McCain, Lindsey Graham and John Warner -- who stood up and said, 'No' to the president's plan. Meanwhile, the Democrats also stood up and said, 'We're just going to wait over here. You tell us when you're done.'" --Stephen Colbert

"The Senate has voted to approve the building of a 700-mile fence along the 2,000-mile border of Mexico. This is what happens when you let President Bush do the math." --Jay Leno

"With rumors swirling of him possibly running for office, George Clooney said the only thing he plans to run for has two legs and a skirt. To which Ted Kennedy said, 'You can do both.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday Pope Benedict was severely criticized for his anti-Muslim remarks by 1970s singer Cat Stevens. So far, no word yet from Dan Fogelberg." --Conan O'Brien

"It's great to have Bill (Clinton) in the mix again. It puts conservatives back on the offensive. Now they can get back to doing what they do best [on screen: Fear Gay People]. Pointing out that everything wrong with this country is Bill Clinton's fault." --Stephen Colbert

"The president of Afghanistan says over the past year, democracy has suffered a setback in his country. On the bright side, at least now he and President Bush have something in common." --Jay Leno

"The Venezuelan President went to the U.N. and called Bush the devil. You could tell Bush was offended, because his tail stopped wagging. Bush said, 'I would love to answer your ridiculous charge that I'm the devil, but I'm a little too busy this week trying to unite my party behind torturing people.'" --Bill Maher

"The U.N. says that there is more torture going on in Iraq than when Saddam was in power. Bush shot back. He said, 'That is just the opinion of one individual who doesn't know the difference between regular torture and freedom torture.'" --Bill Maher

"Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints. They beat the Atlanta Falcons. It was the Saints first time to the Superdome since Hurricane Katrina, which is pretty impressive considering FEMA still hasn't made it to the Superdome." --Jay Leno

"In his speech, Bush said the United Nations is in danger of losing its credibility. And believe me, when it comes to international affairs, President Bush is an expert on losing credibility." --Jay Leno

"The president of Venezuela called President Bush the devil. His name is Hugo Chavez, or as Bush calls him, 'The fourth Dixie Chick.'" --Jay Leno

"Laura Bush is spending the weekend with Bill Clinton. She is the keynote speaker at the three-day Clinton Global Initiative. President Bush says he's OK with this, but we'll see how he feels when she comes back with her skirt on backwards and without that frozen smile." --Bill Maher

"Last week at Germany's University of Regensburg, which as you know is a safety school, Pope Benedict gave an address in which he discussed Islam's concept of jihad by quoting 14th century Byzantine emperor Manuel Paleologos II. You know if you're going to make a wholesale generalization, say it in German. It gives it that extra 'oomph.'" --Jon Stewart

"According to the latest poll, Bush's approval rating has rebounded to 44% -- the highest level in a year. The White House says it's thrilled that Bush has gone from an overwhelming dislike to a general dislike." --Conan O'Brien

"Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th." --Jay Leno

"You folks have any trouble with traffic today? It's because of the big opening of the U.N. General Assembly. You know who's here? The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He's the president who can actually pronounce 'nuclear.'" --David Letterman

"It's hard to say you're sorry, especially when you're infallible. But by last weekend, Benedict offered these words of apology. He's sorry that people felt bad. That's known in Vatican terminology as a 'me-a-kinda.' It's a time-honored tradition in the Catholic Church dating back to the Inquisition when Pope Innocent IV said, 'We deeply regret the fact that so many non-believers happen to be flammable.'" --Jon Stewart

"In the West Bank a group calling itself the Lions of Monotheism fire bombed four churches, telling the Associated Press the attacks were carried out to protest the Pope's remarks linking Islam and violence. The irony of the statement, and this is often the case we find, was lost on them." --Jon Stewart

"It's rumored in Washington that Condoleezza Rice has a new boyfriend. Allegedly, he's Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. Since he's a diplomat and he visits her at the White House, he has to have a Secret Service code name. Do you know what his Secret Service code name is? 'Captain Kirk.' You know why they call him that? Because he's going where no man has gone before." --Jay Leno

"General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That's what I think he said -- it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay." --Jay Leno

"There've been huge protests in the Muslim world over anti-Muslim comments made by the new Pope, Pope Benedict. Today the Pope apologized, saying he never should have gone drinking with Mel Gibson." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, 'This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Picture your family dead. Just for a second. Are you picturing it? Now go vote." --Jon Stewart, summarizing President Bush's interview with NBC's Matt Lauer

"Robert Novak does not watch The Daily Show or myself. Not surprising, I keep reading all these articles about how The Daily Show is big amongst the 125-year-old vampire demons." --Jon Stewart

"In his speech to the nation this week, Bush said that we have to fight against people who reject tolerance and despise dissent, and anyone who disagrees with that is a traitor." --Jay Leno

"You are joining us on September 12th, which as you know, is the fifth anniversary of the misappropriation of the events of September 11th." --Jon Stewart

"It's been reported that Condoleezza Rice is dating a high-level Canadian diplomat. Sources say you can tell because Rice has an extra bounce in her step and is giggling a lot as she prepares for the invasion of Iran." --Conan O'Brien

"Condoleezza Rice is apparently dating a Canadian politician. It's a proud day for Canada. They're the first nation to put a man on Condoleezza." --David Letterman

"The Senate Intelligence Committee -- that almost sounds like an oxymoron -- released a report this week saying there's no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy." --Jay Leno

"Last night in his speech to the nation, President Bush called for unity among all Americans unless, of course, you're gay, a Democrat or live in a blue state." --Jay Leno

"The president's speech was a performance that was as redundant as it was perfunctory. Clearly this president, even without a lead, is running out the clock. Say what you want about his presidency, but after that speech, it is now 15 minutes shorter." --Jon Stewart

"The latest polls came out and President Bush's approval ratings have dropped another 3%. In fact, he's so unpopular that the Democrats are going to have to work really, really hard to screw up this election." --Jay Leno

"Today is a very solemn day -- the fifth anniversary of 9/11. It's a time for the nation to reflect, come together and watch TV. What better way to commemorate a national tragedy than turning it into a mini-series?" --Stephen Colbert

On ABC's Path to 9/11: "The original title was 'Sheiks on a Plane.' This is controversial because apparently, it's very heavily slanted and it blames 9/11 on Bill Clinton. It makes Bush out to be a saint, which is kind of ridiculous because if Bush is gonna be on any ABC program, it should be Lost." --Bill Maher

"The new Senate report that came out today said there is no evidence that Saddam Hussein had ties to al Qaeda before we invaded Iraq. Tony Snow, the White House spokesman, said this is just another partisan attempt to denegrate what administration officials worked so hard to pull out of their asses." --Bill Maher

"Just because something is utterly invented doesn't mean it's not true. Like Dick Cheney, I have a 'One Percent Doctrine.' If it could be Clinton's fault, it is Clinton's fault." –Stephen Colbert

"It was announced in England that Tony Blair will leave as British Prime Minister in May. So, President Bush has toppled yet another government." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that he will continue to fight terror by 'using all the tools available.' Then the president introduced Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as the biggest tool of all." --Conan O'Brien

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher

"Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan has announced she's going to live in a tree house in Crawford, Texas. Now, you thought Bush liked to go to Crawford and clear brush and cut down trees before." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran said today that all the liberals should be kicked out of all universities. I think we found the guy for Ann Coulter." --Jay Leno

"This week a new oil field was discovered under the Gulf of Mexico that could boost the U.S.' oil and gas reserves by 50%. Finally some good news for the oil companies." --Conan O'Brien

"Some good news today on the war on terror. We have captured al Qaeda's No. 2 man -- for the 47th time. See, our systems are so different. Over there, al Qaeda's No. 2 man is always getting captured and shot. Here, our No. 2 guy is the guy doing the shooting." --Jay Leno

"At the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards, former Vice President Al Gore lectured the audience about global warming. The Rock 'n' Roll audience cheered, gave him a standing ovation, and then they got in their stretch limos, went to the airport, got in their private jets, and flew home to Malibu." --Jay Leno

"Of course, President Bush came to the hurricane this week. He went back to New Orleans to try and put lipstick on that pig. Not easy because a third of the trash there still has not been picked up. And that's just the white trash. Some of this garbage is piled up so high you can barely see the 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --Bill Maher

"Good news -- the price of gasoline continues to fall. It's dropped 15 cents over the last two weeks. Gas prices have dropped so much that Dick Cheney was put on suicide watch." --Jay Leno

"Today is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Not only that, it's the six-month anniversary of when President Bush found out about it." --Conan O'Brien

"Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina -- the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The White House's response to Katrina can best be filed under job comma 'heckuva.'" --Jon Stewart

"NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, 'The key for me is to keep expectations low.' I think you can accurately say, 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno

"CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go, 'Oh my God, they've done it again!'." --Bill Maher

"For years people have criticized the Bush administration for intelligence failures -- specifically, the president's failure to be intelligent. So, you can imagine my dismay when I read in U.S. World News & Report that a top insider said the president 'can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs.' The press is having a field day, but may I remind everyone that the previous president used an intern as a humidor, not as a joke." --Stephen Colbert

"The one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans was marked by President Bush with a moment of silence. A little different than a year ago, when President Bush marked the occasion by a week and a half of silence." --Jay Leno

"It's the one-year anniversary of the Hurricane Katrina disaster. President Bush was in New Orleans today speaking about the recovery effort. The president has been the subject of much criticism when it comes to how the government handled Katrina. But his message today was not of the past, it was one of the future for New Orleans [on screen: Bush saying, 'Are your ready for some football?']." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Astronomers think that the planet Earth will be sucked into a black hole, swallowed by a black hole. I believe the last time that happened, someone got impeached." --David Letterman

"A panel of scientists voted to kick Pluto out of the solar system. They tried to explain the science of this to President Bush, but then they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star." --Bill Maher

"Hey, Happy Birthday President Clinton. He turned 60 years old on Saturday. You know, President Clinton's at that age now when he stains the carpet, he's not even having fun." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said the United States is still under the threat of attack and will continue to be right up until Election Day." --Jay Leno

"Iran is really stepping up their nuclear program. Not only do they have the enriched uranium, they also developed the low-carb uranium." --David Letterman

"President Bush now says he does not care about Iran's nuclear program, as long as they're not developing a nuke-ular program." --David Letterman

"There's a recent study about human behavior and apparently, women are capable of making decisions about the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions often made without any rational thought. Yep and that's why we're in Iraq." --David Letterman

"The shaky cease-fire in Lebanon continues to hold out against all odds. The peace plan, which was hammered out by the French and the U.N., called for 15,000 peace keepers led by sizable French contingent. Turns out in French, sizable translates as 200 guys in rubber dingies. Now it's all very predictable. You can't blame the French -- they're just being French. Of course, it's no great loss. Honestly, the difference between 200 French troops and 15,000 French troops is just fewer French prisoners." --Stephen Colbert

"Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The ground fighting is only one front in the war between Israel and Hezbollah. There's also the propaganda war. Today Hezbollah claimed the month of fighting represented divine victory. Israel claimed it had achieved many of its military objectives. So, it proves what I've been saying about this conflict all along -- it's a win-win." --Jon Stewart

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

"On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash, so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20." --Jay Leno

"Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, 'Cause everything leads to higher oil prices.' In fact, the price of crude oil could hit $80 a barrel. That's not crude -- that's obscene." --Jay Leno

"Last Sunday night '60 Minutes' aired a disturbing Mike Wallace interview with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I don't like '60 Minutes' talking to our enemies. Everyone knows Iran is going to be our next global nemesis. They need to be isolated like North Korea, so they have time to blossom into a full blown opponent. An evil souffle needs time to rise." --Stephen Colbert

"According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that?" --David Letterman

"Big news on the international front this morning. A cease-fire went into effect between Israel and Hezbollah. Total disaster. We are no longer on the road to World War III. Jesus was half way here. Now he has to turn his cloud of glory and go back to heaven -- and it does not get good mileage. Here's the worst part. Guess who brokered this peace in the Middle East? The U.S. and the French working through the UN. The only non-offensive word in that sentence is 'through.'." --Stephen Colbert

"Between you and me, I don't know what 'macaca' means, but it sure as s--- sounds racist. And here in Virginia, I'm still not sure if that helps or hurts a guy." --Rob Corddry

"According to a recent poll, more Americans can name the seven dwarfs than can name the nine Supreme Court justices. Strangely, Justice Souter is on both lists." --David Letterman

"They're not letting people on planes anymore with liquids or beverages of any kind. That's why there are these huge delays. The pilots are hanging around the gate chugging their beers. … In fact in London you can't even bring toothpaste on the plane, which I guess for the English is not that big a problem. … You can't bring hair gel. How is Al Sharpton going to fly?" --Jay Leno

"When President Bush is down on his ranch, he likes to spend his time clearing brush and chopping wood, because no matter how much legislation you pass to cut down trees, there's nothing like destroying them with your own hands." --Jay Leno

"President Bush flew out to his prairie-chapel ranch in Crawford, Texas, to begin his eleven-day vacation. It's not really a ranch. There's no cows or horses. It's more like an estate. But ranch sounds better. You know like when you call Iraq a democracy. It sounds better." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people thought Joe Lieberman lost because of the kiss that President Bush gave him at the State of the Union Address. So let that be a little lesson for all you Democratic senators out there. You want to keep your job, don't make out with President Bush in public." --Jay Leno

"Last week I invited Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman to come on my show and rebut his challenger Ned Lamont who was a guest here on the show. We went to extraordinary lengths to make sure the senator felt welcome. But folks, he turned us down, which I assume is the reason he lost yesterday's Democratic primary. Take note Congressmen who will not talk to me, I'm sure your challengers will. Fair warning. Senator Lieberman I want you to know that even though you lost, here at the 'Report' we will always have a seat for you in the audience." --Stephen Colbert

"As Pentagon officials continue working on their plan to have Iraq hug it out, foreign entanglements have left our army stretched to the breaking point. And last week it was disclosed that poor equipment and insufficient training have left two-thirds of both the Army and National Guard's combat force unready for combat. To put that in context: For every G.I. Joe our army has, we also have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush traveled to his ranch in Texas for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton went after Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, really went after him. She said he had a bad track record, and she asked him why she should trust him. Get the feeling maybe she's been burned by a guy before." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times reported this story: on a trip to Estonia Senators McCain and Hillary Clinton got into a vodka-drinking contest. No, no, see that shows you how two sides can get together. When a McCain and a Clinton can both end up acting like a Kennedy. When Hillary asked him if he wanted to go out for a cold one, Senator McCain said no thanks, I'm married." --Jay Leno

"There's now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hezbollah, but Hezbollah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can't even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, has rejected calls for an immediate cease-fire on the grounds that he'd prefer a 'sustainable cease-fire.' It makes sense. He doesn't want the killing to stop until he's sure it will stop. So, there will be more killing until the president's convinced that there will be no more killing. Or everyone else runs out of people." --Jon Stewart, on the Middle East conflict

"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. Castro said that a half century of Communist rule seemed like a good idea right up until the point he was rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile." --Conan O'Brien

"In a speech in Florida President Bush praised all the contributions Cubans have made to America: catching, hitting, outfielding, shortstop. These were all major, major contributions." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had his annual medical exam this week. The doctors said the president remains in excellent health and is fit for duty. In fact so fit today the National Guard called and said 'So how about serving your time now?' ... The doctors said his heart rate, blood pressure and cholesterol are all pretty good. The only bad number is his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"On Friday, President Bush held a press conference with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and then he met with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks. Those are our two last remaining allies apparently." --Jay Leno

"This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big 'American Idol' winner and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore." --David Letterman

"An Inconvenient Truth: "There has never been a better time for a movie about global warming set inside an air-conditioned theater than right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And for the most ridiculous story of the week. This week, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. I got to admit he hides it pretty well. Ann Coulter thinks Bill Clinton is gay? But she also thinks George Bush is smart, so you gotta take it with a grain of salt." --Jay Leno

"Tonight's Word: Wikiality. I'm no fan of reality [on screen: It Has A Liberal Bias]. And I'm no fan of encyclopedias [on screen: Just Fat-Ass Dictionaries]. I've said it before. Who is Britannica to tell me that George Washington had slaves? If I want to say he didn't, that's my right. And now, thanks to Wikipedia, it's now a fact [on screen: Wikipedia Can Tell A Lie]. We should apply these principles to all information. All we need to do is convince a majority of people that some factoid is true." --Stephen Colbert

"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash, and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'" --Jay Leno

"Another day in the Middle East. Obviously the cease-fire fell through, talks fell apart, they lasted about two hours. Even the O.J. jury managed to meet longer than that." --Jon Stewart

"You know Ann Coulter? She was on CNBC today and she said 'Bill Clinton is gay.' Please, just because she's the only woman on the planet he wouldn't have sex with doesn't make him gay." --Jay Leno

"And this Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States. Say what you want about Bush, he knows how to delegate. 'Condoleezza you go to Beirut, I'm going to be meeting with the 'American Idol' on Friday'." --Jay Leno

"How 'bout that Saddam Hussein? I'm beginning to think the guy's wacky. He announced that if he's found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney." --David Letterman

"President Bush has been very clear that, through his leadership, he has made the world safer. My question to you is simply this: how much safer can the world afford to have him make us?" --Jon Stewart, to Sen. John McCain

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton made an interesting statement. She said technology's getting so intrusive, she feared that soon American children will one day have a computer chip implanted in their brains. She said she is against that idea, however, she said she wouldn't mind having a low-jack installed in Bill's ass." --Jay Leno

"We won the Miss Universe pageant. Meet Miss Puerto Rico, or as I call her, Miss 'U.S.A.'s Territory with Commonwealth Status' Puerto Rico. She is so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections." --Stephen Colbert

"John Kerry said today that if he were president, the current conflict in the Middle East would not be happening. Then his wife, Teresa, said, 'Yes, I know, dear. Just take out the trash.'" -- Jay Leno

"Earlier today, former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Sen. Joe Lieberman. Clinton got the crowd so worked up that they had trouble sleeping through the Lieberman speech." --David Letterman

"Despite the heat, President Bush is keeping busy. Earlier this week at the White House, President Bush met with the Prime Minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked the Indian Prime Minister, 'Now that you're here, could you see why my computer is acting up?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Did you see the weather map today on the back of USA Today? I have never seen this before, all the states are red. It's like Karl Rove's dream come true." --Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi, the likely Speaker of the House, had lunch at the White House Thursday with President Bush. Though, just to rub things in, she left early to have an abortion." --Amy Poehler

"I got to give the president credit. He is trying. He had lunch two days ago with Nancy Pelosi, the new Speaker of the House. And he was trying to find common ground and couldn't come up with anything. Finally he said, 'Your frozen smile looks just like my wife's.'" --Bill Maher